How to Stop Being a People Pleaser
What exactly is People Pleasing? Is it going out of your way to help someone? Is it being kind and respectful to people? No. It only qualifies as people-pleasing when you put other people’s needs before yours. When you put yourself down so that others can rise up.
What happens when you become a people pleaser?
You begin compromising your values to please people. Let’s take this example, you’re at a hangout with your friend group and everyone is taking shots. You know very well that you don’t take alcohol but you stay quiet and decide to take the shot anyway. You ended up compromising the values that had probably taken you years of cultivation for friends whose last name you probably don’t know.
People-pleasing also makes you vulnerable to being misused and being a pushover. If people keep crossing your boundaries and you do nothing about it, they’ll keep pushing it further and further until the boundaries are non-existent. An idea about you also forms in their minds that you are nothing but a doormat.
In the worst-case scenario, being a people pleaser may lead you into debt. Let me elaborate. Say a friend calls you up and asks for some money stating that it is an emergency. At the back of your mind, you know this friend has a bad history of not returning borrowed money. They try to plead with you and cave in and go digging the required money from your savings.
Chances are, the friend will keep coming back, and slowly but surely you will stagnate your financial growth and pave your way to poverty.
Now that we’ve pointed out the implications of being a people pleaser, how do we change this for the better?
How to Use Manifestation to Stop being a People Pleaser.
Identify the reason you’re constantly seeking approval.
There won’t be a sufficient enough solution unless we grab the bull by its horns and tackle the problem. If we pull out the bandage, will we find a wound inflicted on you when you were younger that made you believe that you were not enough?
Were you constantly seeking your parents’ approval but never seemed to get it? Did you get bullied as a child or as a young teen for being different from your peers? Are you scared that people will leave you if you don’t conform to their needs?
Write it down on paper and Meditate.
Grab a pen and paper and write down at least three reasons why you’re a people pleaser and what you think turned you into one.
After that, meditate and reflect on the contents of the paper.
Albert Einstein said,
“Imagination is everything, it is the preview of life’s coming attractions.”
So remember that there is no habit too strong to break and that anything you can visualize you can make a reality.
Set up regimes that will help you get rid of this bad habit
After finding out the reason for your people-pleasing lifestyle and habit, the next step is to actively set up measures and ways of curbing this. These are some of the regimes you can use.
Living by the 3 F’s
If someone is not Feeding you, Financing you, or F***ing you, you don’t need to pay them any mind. This strategy in itself has saved me countless headaches and overthinking episodes.
One can never be fully immune to the opinions of others but living by these three F’s ensures you only pay attention to the opinions of those who matter.
There is a famous quote that says, the croaking of frogs doesn’t prevent cows from drinking water. Therefore let the other people’s judgments and opinions fly past you.
Filtering out the advice that comes in.
Now we have identified the 3 F’s we can move on with this next point.
Realize that people, even within the 3 F’s, will try and tell you what your life should look like and what to do with it. Learn to sieve the bad that may bring you down and be left with good advice and constructive criticism.
A bitter pill to swallow is, not everyone you hold dear wants you to succeed. Not all your family members and friends wish you the best. Keep your eyes and ears open in order to identify the advice that is good for you versus the one that will ensure you never surpass them.
Build up your self-esteem
This might just be the most important factor. With high self-esteem, you don’t need people to approve of you. They don’t need to approve of the clothes you wear, the kind of job you do, where you choose to live, or who you choose as a spouse.
This frees you from their suffocating grip that seeks to squeeze the joy out of your life.
Not taking everything personally.
This is something that I had to learn. I could easily be offended by even the slightest things and jokes.
I remember the exact moment I had an epiphany. I had just got a compliment from a friend I hadn’t seen in a while. She looked admiringly at me and said I looked nice. This was right after another friend of mine had given me a disapproving glare regarding my quarantine weight gain. On my way home, I thought back and realized the latter girl had actually gained even more than I did during quarantine. Then it hit me, she was projecting her insecurities on me.
I realized that not everything is black and white and people are constantly projecting their insecurities on others just so they could feel better about themselves. So don’t take anything personally and remember it’s not you but them.
Learning to say No.
A lot of us have a hard time saying no. It doesn’t mean that you are selfish or that you don’t care about the other person. Saying no is a way of establishing healthy boundaries and ensuring that they aren’t crossed.
Here are various ways of saying no:
No, I can’t make it, I’m spending some time with my kids/spouse.
Can we have a raincheck?
I’ll come another time.
No thank you but have a great time
No, I need “me time.”
Believe in the manifestation.
None of this will work unless you believe. Unless you affirm your heart that you are indeed capable of receiving love and giving it sans manipulation. Until you understand that who you are is enough and turning people down is not a crime.
Thad Brown, the Chief executive officer of Harris Blitzer Sports & Entertainment, tweeted this earlier this month.
“Josh said early in his career, he’d be more a people pleaser with the game plan. If the coach wanted it, he’d find a way to make it work. Now: “If I don’t love it, we’re not running it.”
This is an example showing that when you stop being a people pleaser, you take back the power you had freely given to them. Power over your decisions, your peace of mind, and even your finances.
In the end, you’ll lose friends and people close to you but just be glad they’re gone. They only wanted to use you and are shocked that you won’t let them do that anymore. But as a door closes, another opens. You’ll find people who see your value and worth. Take back the power today and use manifesting to get rid of the people-pleasing nature. Best of luck!