toxic relationship

Ever wondered why is that your good friend, someone who is so helpful, someone who is successful in his career, doing so well health wise, has a partner who is ultra draining and borderline toxic?

Ever heard your friend share that her serial cheater girlfriend and he argue a lot and heard the classic phrase, “You’re delusional, believe whatever you want!”

A friend whose toxic boyfriend keeps hitting her, yet she stays in the relationship for she feels that HE LOVES HER?

SO WHAT’S WITH PEOPLE ATTRACTING TOXIC PARTNERS? 

So what do I mean by the term Toxic? 

When you say something is toxic you mean that this particular thing is dangerous or would harm you, either physically, emotionally or mentally.

It means that dealing or even interacting with aspects related to it, would either be too tiresome or drain your energy out.

“Toxicity is like a spider’s web, you cannot see the strings nor would you anticipate you would fall into it, but once you do, it sticks right onto you and it is very difficult to remove this venom from you.”

STAGES OF A TOXIC PARTNERSHIP:  

• They give very amazing first impressions:

First impression is the last impression, right? They would seem to be the most chivalrous, humorous, successful people you would ever come across. It’s like as soon you have met them they say that you are their best friend, soulmate, etc.

• They see themselves as victims:

Right after you have met them, they will bombard you with their sob stories, that their boss is crazy, is purposefully trying to demean them, or maybe it’s their ex who is stalking them, etc.

 It’s as though they would wish to gather pity or attention. But hey, they are smart people. They won’t do it directly, it’d be very subtle, almost as though they did not mean to point it out, but it just happened so, “ACCIDENTALLY”

• You are trapped / Hooked.

This is the best stage for the toxic partner, it’s this stage that gives the kick of DOPAMINE release. They are very smart people, the initial few months or weeks into the relationship, they would try to understand your quirks, your dislikes, your trigger points, things that upset you or make you happy. 

They’d know everything about you in a short span of time. 

Then they would provide you aid, maybe your ex couldn’t be satisfied in bed, but your toxic partner would give you the best pleasure you could ever receive in this lifetime, would cuddle with you and provide you with a hearing aid later.

For hey, they are masters, they have made a mental map of the way the relationship would go ahead.

Next comes the stage, wherein they would slowly start showing off their true signs:

Oh so you didn’t listen to what I said? I wont have sex with you.

Do the dishes before I am home, or else I won’t pay for your expenses.

Once the toxic partner has hooked you / made you dependent upon them then they know that they have a control over your thoughts, your mood everything.

This is the time they would start cajoling you into acting into the way they would want you to.

In the beginning it would be only a subtle form of demeaning jokes or belittling you, but later it would turn into direct comments passed upon your personality, question your sanity, insult you, abuse you.

SO WHY DO SOME PEOPLE ATTRACT TOXIC PARTNERS?

You give them a boost of  “Vitamin E”

Just a parasite needs to suck the life out of their host, to sustain their life. 

Toxic people survive by sucking out your “EMPATHY”

The simple reason? They have none of it.

To be a person who is spiritually, mentally and emotionally healthy and non threatening the most essential tool one would need is EMPATHY

To be able to connect with a person on a genuine level, you need to share some form of empathy so as to feel what they would be going through and that if they feel hurt or sad you make it a point to not hurt them intentionally..

If you are a Natural Empathetic person, chances are that for every wrong drawing there, you would understand their view point.  If they would bail out on you, they would understand they have some work, etc.

This is what gives them the ego boost and makes them feel they can lie to you how much ever they would want, for you WOULD UNDERSTAND THEM.

We accept the love we think we deserve : 

This is where your childhood experience is of utmost importance. If as a kid you were loved and adored and were given the freedom and the space to grow to evolve as your own self, then the kind of love / partner you would attract would be on the similar lines and your energy too would manifest in the same way.

But, if suppose as a growing kid, you were emotionally neglected by your parents, you were left to fend for yourself and you didn’t not receive enough affection or support from them, then you are likely to be a person who would try to get that attention from others, this could also mean from toxic people for they are like hungry wolves can smell the blood of a lonely sheep miles away.

If you were brought up in a family that constantly needed you to prove your worth or parents who would emotionally blackmail or were abusive, there is a chance you are likely to be a person who would do anything in your strength to please them, or to not let them leave you.

This is true even for your intimate relationship pattern.

You are a habitual fixer:

Now fixing does not mean you would fix their broken pump or tires, something even more deadly → THEM.

If you are a person who believes that the GOOD GIRL CHANGES THE BAD BOY, this is where you would find yourself attracting men who are abusive, who are borderline alcoholic or addicted to drugs, or maybe they are a bully. Yet you feel there is some “Good “ Part in them that can be reawakened by your sweet words and caring face.

You simply love it too for you are the same:

This is the most common reason as to why people attract toxic partners. 

A Friend of mine, practicing law,  has a history of attracting toxic men. 

Initially I thought that maybe it’s the men, they are the ones who just wanna hurt her, are toxic and wanna hurt her, one of them has even slapped her multiple times, her reason?

I love him, plus not like I have not done the same to him.

Many times, we ourselves have traits which are unhealed,  maybe the idea of love that we have is the one that keeps pushing our buttons and hurts us, for hey, in this digital age of the more the better, we would feel that the more they love us, the more they are bound to hurt us.’ 

Another reason is that, we too love the attention the sympathy others give us (especially the opposite gender) thus we are bound to indulge in any sorts of emotional manipulation, ( Consciously or unconsciously). For eg:

• I feel so alone my boyfriend is out of town, but your company makes me feel so safe
• My girlfriend never believes anything I tell her, this is why I am sharing this with you. 
• My boyfriend is always so busy for me, but you being here listening to me makes me feel so happy.

Conclusion:

Toxic Partnerships can be too draining and also the one that could shatter our self esteem, and also the love and respect we had for ourselves. Thus what is important is that one should be mindful and aware of our own energy and vibe and to select the partner who complements not only our present but also our future and not someone who would hurt us purposefully.